Signs You're in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship


Signs you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. These are some related but different ways your emotions and experience of life might be invalidated or ignored by the other person in a relationship.
  • Their feelings are regularly your fault, you're responsible for their emotions.
  • When they have an emotional reaction to something the idea that they should do inner work on their character is a great affront and unreasonable.
  • You have to modify your behaviour and character to be acceptable, parts of you they can't cope with are "bad".
  • Their emotions are more important than yours, you don't have real feelings and should look after theirs more.
  • The fact that you're not perfect and have made mistakes in life invalidates your point of view and feelings. You can't have an opinion on yourself or them until you're perfect.
  • Little interest in understanding you as you are, much interest in changing your behaviour to match their expectations and desires.
  • Their understanding of you and your behaviour, and the interpretation of their friends, is more real to them than what you say and think and feel. You're wrong about you and they're right.
  • Any discussion requires you to first accept that their point of view is right and yours is wrong.
  • They won't acknowledge your point of view and can't describe it to you because it's important to them to not really see and understand your point of view to be able to reject it easily. 
  • When their behaviour, over a prolonged period of time, causes emotions like anger or pain or upset then your emotional response is the problem. Their emotions are valid yours are invalid. Caring for other people, unselfishness, means you caring about them and their feelings not the other way round.
  • If there are incompatible desires and needs in the relationship you should drop yours.
  • Their behaviour and feelings are out of their control so you need to modify yours for them to be alright.
  • Any problems of theirs, including abusive behaviour, are due to the past and probably also your fault. You need to change and also to be understanding of them because they can't/don't need to change.
  • Their idea of who you are and who you should be are based on abstract stereotypes, probably gender based.
  • Any feelings of yours they don't like are unacceptable and you have to change. Any feelings of theirs that you don't like are probably your fault and you need to accept them as they are.
  • You should be fully in control of your behaviour and feelings and they can't possibly be expected to do the same.
I've spent a lot of time examining the  question of how responsible for other people's feelings we are in relationship to other people. I have come to a final conclusion that I am happy settles this question once and for all:
We're all inextricably intertwined and the question of how responsible for another person's feelings you are can never be answered satisfactorily.

"To me the gift of hospitality means to give of your best."

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